I was speaking with someone today who took issue with my post Men, PLEASE Grow Backbones!, saying he thought I was being too hard on spineless jellyfish men. I clarified what I meant and he understood, so I went back to re-read the post, and I see that I didn’t make myself clear at all. So let’s try this again:

What I tried (and failed) to get across is that desperation isn’t attractive. (And while I’m here, it’s even less so on women.) When early on during a date, you’ve already glommed onto your date as if you’re picking out china patterns and naming your children, your date’s wondering “What’s the problem here? Why is he behaving this way? Has he never been on a date before? Has he been rejected by 100 other girls? If so, why? What do they know that I don’t?” Or “Eeeesh. Maybe she has Daddy issues? Low self-esteem? She’s looking for someone to fund her shopping trips? No one else will haver her because of a raging case of herpes? Why’s she clinging to me like a barnacle to a ship? What can I do to scrape her off?”

Dating should be like an artichoke: each of you peels away a little bit of the other (I’m referring here to things like personality traits, interests, dreams, and so on, not clothes, but if you get lucky, hey! Good for you!) while you get to know each other. If you act like a puddle instead of a sponge, like a limp noodle instead of a rubber band, like a starfish instead of an eel (I think I’m finished with my metaphors now!), then you’ve ruined your chance to find out whether this date’s going to turn into two or more. (Hell; this date’s not gonna be a date. You’re on it on your own. You’ve lost the other participant.)

Even if you’re feeling desperate (it happens to all of us at one time or another), take a deep breath and remind yourself that this isn’t the only potential date in the world. Get some confidence, even if you have to fake it. (Seriously; faking an emotion will cause you to feel the real thing. Think I’m kidding? Try feeling sad for awhile by thinking about a sad memory, like a deceased pet or grandparent. See? I told you!) There are millions of other single people out there you can date (literally), and you needn’t glom onto this one. Remind yourself that desperation is lame! Let that be your mantra–ohm… desperation is lame…ohm…—and that you’re gonna chill and relax and have a good time, and either the two of you will click or you won’t click, but whatever you do, you won’t scare your date off by being desperate or needy. As a matter of fact, by giving off an air of confidence, of “I’m in demand; I have other dates I could be on,” you give off the opposite of desperation and neediness (confidence!), and will be more attractive to your date. (Need another mantra? Try I’m sexy and desirable. It’s hard to feel desperate with that flowing through your head!)

There! Now go out and knock ‘em dead, with your stiff spine and no whiff of desperation. I wanna hear field reports!